Before I started BluZone, I was starting a petition to bring back Victorian bathing suits. You know — the white sailor suit dresses with poofy ankle-length pantaloons underneath. I want the enjoyment of splashing around in the ocean or the pool without feeling self-consciousness about my own bags and poofs. But, an outfit that belonged on a porcelain doll would certainly draw more eyes than the billowy tankinis with the tennis-style skirts I’ve been wearing for the past decade. I was planning to wear my most boring bathing suit to blend into the background with the other moms while enduring a two day trip to Great Wolf Lodge indoor water park. Instead, I decided it was time to stand out.
Body Shame: A History
Like many women, I have always hated my body. I have a photograph hanging in my room of my husband and I on the beach when we were teenagers. I weighed less in that photo than at any other moment of my adult life, but even in my tie-dye string bikini, despite my visible rib cage, I tucked myself behind him as much as I could to hide, — a strategy I still use today when taking family pictures. Only now, one of my children acts as a human shield from allowing the camera to capture my big belly — which is, of course, a result of carrying four extra large babies. (We’re talking 12 pounds!) What should be a badge of honor, is actually a source of shame.
Over time, the beauty standards society has cruelly set for women have changed. We’ve been asked to be thin, thick, and everything in between. Renaissance paintings depict voluptuous women, soft and round. In their portraits, they look relaxed, as if to say, “I did absolutely nothing except lie in bed and stuff myself with cake and wine today.” On the other end of the spectrum is the Kate Moss “heroin chic” aesthetic of the 1990s, which led many women to develop eating disorders. I spent my early teens watching skeletal supermodels trudge across the Calvin Klein runway. I was made to think that if I wanted to look beautiful, I needed to be a size “00.” Today’s beauty standards call for “fit” female bodies, tending towards athleticism. You should look like you have a personal trainer and chef living in your home, and that most of your time is spent on the treadmill or consuming copious amounts of kale.
I don’t want my 7-year-old daughter to struggle with body image, so I praise her for her talents and her kindness, rather than her appearance. She loves to play sports and her favorite food is broccoli. The emphasis is always on health, but still I worry that popular culture (or popular girls) will send her the wrong messages when it comes to what constitutes “acceptable beauty.”
I’d hate to say it, but I’ve been receiving those messages for so long that I can’t just turn them off. I’m not one of those women who can be “confident at any size.” The society-imposed self-loathing soundtrack plays every time I look in the mirror, but it’s starting to quiet down.
What’s Your Body Type?
The problem is that fitting into the mold du jour can be not only difficult, but impossible for women who are born with different body types. There are generally three main body types: ectomorph (thin), mesomorph (muscular), and endomorph (round). (You can also be a combination of the three.) An ectomorph would have struggled to put on fat in the 1600’s just as a mesomorph would have trouble losing their muscle in the 1990s and as the endomorphs are having trouble shedding fat today. Women will do almost anything to feel good in a swimsuit.
I think one of the things that frustrated the girl in that tie-dye string bikini photo is that as a mesomorph by birth, I spent most of my life being more muscular than thin in an era where smaller was better. Small sized women’s cut t-shirts from the Delia’s catalog wouldn’t accommodate my broad shoulders and bulky biceps. At the same time, I never had the “junk in the trunk” to fill out a pair of Apple Bottom jeans. As the years have passed, my muscle has been buried under fat, from poor dietary choices, a sedentary lifestyle, and, yes, “mom bod”. I still have toned arms and legs, but my belly fat is what’s troubling me and, at 40, it’s becoming harder to lose. My primary concern is the long-term health effect that this excess visceral fat could have on my internal organs, but, yes, I also want to feel good in a swimsuit.
My BluZone Milestone #1
When I started the Bluzone weight loss program, I set some small goals for myself. Milestones, if you will. My first major milestone, 6 weeks into the program, was to feel good in a bathing suit on our family’s Great Wolf Lodge. Honestly, I doubted myself, but Bluzone owner, nurse, and weight loss coach Heather Lamb believed in me. “This all works so fast,” she said, two weeks into my semaglutide and B-12 injections and nutrition and movement counseling. “You’ll be ready!”
I wanted to believe Heather, so I decided to do something radical. I had a few swimsuits from last summer, the kind that cover as much skin as possible in dark colors that blend in with the other insecure women who feel over-exposed as they submerge themselves up to their necks in the water or wrap themselves in bathrobe-like cover-ups when they return to their chairs to hide under a big hat, sunglasses, and trashy romance novel. I decided that my kids deserved more. I decided I deserved more. So, I rewarded myself.
Swimsuit Shopping without Tears
Three weeks before our Great Wolf Lodge trip (and three weeks into the Bluzone weight loss program), while I was on a Target run with my three sons, we detoured into the swimsuit section just inside the store (the section I usually hurry past with my eyes closed in January). I spotted tiny neon crochet bikinis and matronly skirted suits like the kind I used to wear. “Pick me out a bathing suit,” I told the boys. “One piece. Size large.”
Most women wouldn’t want to admit out loud that they wear a size large bathing suit, but I was gambling with the notion that I would be able to drop down from an XL in three weeks. As for the one piece, yes, it’s not as daring as a bikini, but it was still a gutsy move to consider wearing a skin tight stretch of Spandex without ruffles or drapes to hide behind.
The boys came back with a white, low cut one piece with intricate ties in the back. It was covered in brilliantly-covered tropical flowers. It even came with a short thin cotton sarong skirt in the same color — just in case I got self-conscious. It is the last thing I would have chosen in the store, but I decided it would be mine (I just wasn’t going to take the tags off in case it didn’t fit.)
Making Progress
I kept the swimsuit in my sock drawer so that I would need to see it every day. The fact that I was wearing socks alone, made the endeavor surprising. I only wore socks in the winter. When had I ever worn a swimsuit in January? Didn’t I start frantically shedding pounds late in the Spring every year to get myself to an “acceptable” status before our friends’ pools opened up for the season? But, when had I ever successfully lost weight in the winter?
Even though I looked at it every day, I didn’t want to try the swimsuit on. I was afraid it might put a damper on our trip. I watched the numbers on the scale drop, from 5 pounds, to 10, to 15. I watched my swollen belly slim down, thanks to a reduced appetite from the injections, healthier eating habits, lots of water, frequent walks, and an abundance of positive reinforcement from Heather and my counselor, Christina. I watched progress happen quicker than it ever had, but I still wasn’t sure the white flowered one-piece would fit.
In fact, I packed an old one-shouldered black suit with some “sexy” mesh cut-outs for Great Wolf Lodge. I decided to wear it the first day because I didn’t want to ruin the trip on the first day. I noticed that it was a little baggy, which gave me some hope. In fact, my sister-in-law said, “You look great!” It was my first compliment. I waded around the wave pool with my daughter and looked around at the other moms chasing after their children. I couldn’t help but be jealous of the baby-toting moms who were built Victoria’s Secret models in their string bikinis, but most of us just didn’t want to draw attention to ourselves. So many of us felt naked in a loud and steamy roomful of strangers, all but a portion of our skin concealed by the most unforgiving of fabrics. We tried our best to forget our egos and “just be moms.” But didn’t we deserve to be women too?
The Moment of Truth
I held my breath as I stepped into the white flowered one-piece the next morning. I still didn’t take the tags off. I rolled the suit up and contorted myself to tie the strings into a neat bow at the small of my back. I looked for a full-length mirror in our hotel room, but, in their wisdom, Great Wolf Lodge must have left them out. (Otherwise, there might not be any moms in the park!) I stepped into the bathroom with my eyes closed, took a deep breath, and turned around. I saw a much younger and fitter version of me. The deep V-cut was much, much lower than anything I had ever worn before. The plastic ring sat at my solar plexus! But…it was quite flattering. My arms and legs were beginning to tone up, as was my back. Even my skin looked great from the injections and all the healthy choices I’ve been making. I looked at my belly last and knew I still had a ways to go in my weight loss journey, but I have never seen progress so soon into a program!
“Is everyone ready?” I asked. Of course, they were. Surprisingly, so was I.
Radiant
My second day at Great Wolf Lodge was sunnier than the first. For the first time since I was in elementary school, I felt amazing in a swimsuit. I didn’t spend the day with my head down, my stomach sucked in, counting down the seconds until I could wrap myself up in a towel. I was present with my family. I played basketball in the pool. I stood around watching everyone take in the big rides — and I didn’t even wear my sarong. I surprised myself by going down two small slides for the first time in over 20 years! I created some genuinely wonderful memories, not just for my family, but for myself. Even my husband told me that he had never seen me so happy in a bathing suit. Not even in the tie-dye triangle top of our youth. He could see me from all over the park in my white, tropical flowered suit. “You looked so radiant,” he said.
Just Getting Started
I attribute my newfound confidence to the speed and intensity of my success in the BluZone weight loss program. It’s causing a ripple effect in my interactions with others and in my motivation to pursue other goals. As silly as it is, it was refreshing to wear a women’s cut t-shirt for the first time in years the other day without looking pregnant. I’m not just losing weight, I’m gaining shape. No other program has provided me with those results — and I’m only halfway through.
The only potential downfall of this story is that I don’t foresee me being able to keep that beautiful swimsuit for very long…I’m going to need to order it in a smaller size!
